The open access to information nowadays has given a voice to many, among those are victims of sexual abuse. Unfortunately, these abuses have either been going on for a long time, or were a long time ago, past the legal statute of limitations to bring the predators to justice.
Whether it’s women, young men or children, they valiantly face the cameras as they relate a very personal account of someone, usually an authority figure, who crossed the personal boundary line, to go where they were never invited. Usually these depictions are intimate, and here is why I call these victims brave. No one wants to share their intimate affairs in public! Unfortunately it is the only way to give certainty to what happened. The public is usually skeptical, so they want details. Details are fine if you’re talking about a business deal, about software, but about sexual abuse, it is immensely embarrassing. That is why I call these victims brave, because they have to re-live the abuse, by digging back into a memory they rather bury deep somewhere in their minds.
What’s worse, if the victim, who finally finds the strength to come forward is an adult, usually a woman, their personal history is suddenly under the microscope, and given that we’re all humans and have made mistakes along our paths, the past mistakes of these victims are suddenly magnified to take away credibility from their horrendous story. So, now the abuse has taken its second round of harm, this time on a public forum.
Interestingly enough, the focus remains on the victim and their past, and rarely is moved on to the abuser in question.
Skeptics usually will ask, “Why didn’t she say something right there?” “Why did it take her/him this long to say something?” “Is there proof?” “Are there any witnesses?” Or “Perhaps she was leading him on?”
Or worse, an even more insensitive crowd will just make statements, “Well, it’s a man’s world, what do you expect?” “You want to be part of the boys club, well, learn to play with the boys.”
I call it insensitive because it is obvious those who question victims of sexual abuse are clueless about the horror of the situation, which beyond the physical, relies on the mental realm to retain its power.
A conversation with a fellow tweep sparked this write up, because I realize each of us have our own perception of this type of abuse. While some deem it as sexual, I am of the belief that the one thing these crimes have in commons is abuse of power. Otherwise, how else do these abusers think they can get away with ravaging their victim, coming back for more, for years, confident they will get away with it. It’s a power thing, it’s about impunity. No doubt, this is my view, and a very debatable topic. I don’t claim to be an authority in psychology, but I do want to share with you my dear readers an insight on this topic, especially if you consider yourself among the skeptics.
The first thing I’ll share here is that sexual abuse, whether you’re a child, or a woman, happens more often than you think. Most people would immediately ask here, why isn’t it reported as often as it happens? Well, there are many factors in play, and usually the abuser knows them and utilizes these as tools to ensure secrecy.
For example, a known and well respected coach in an all-girls junior high school, begins to touch inappropriately and make sexual advances on some of the students, especially those trying out for the basketball team. He knows they want to make the team. How badly? His psychological advantage will be equivalent to their desire to make the team. That’s likely how he’ll choose his victims. After all, he’s the one with the final say. He’ll have their way with them and their docility and fear of getting a bad grade, not making the team, of embarrassment in front of their classmates, fear no one will believe them, are all factors that will come into play as they face the abuse. The abuser knows this, and perhaps gets a rise out of the possibility of getting caught, yet more confident of the likelihood of getting away with it. In their eyes, the fact that their victim is docile and afraid to fight them back, is implied acceptance. Their sense of power is increased.
Another example, a little four-year old girl has an old and highly revered uncle in the family, whose authority no one questions. When he’s alone with the little girl, this uncle will pull her on his lap and begin touching her in her intimate parts. The little girl is perhaps three or four years old and doesn’t understand what is going on, but she knows she doesn’t like it. She’s too small to stand up for herself, but she keeps fighting and trying to get away from him. He is much bigger and stronger. She’s usually saved when another adult walks into the room. She dreads visiting this uncle throughout the years, because he’ll always try to find a way to be alone with her and make undesired sexual advances on her. Why doesn’t she say something? Perhaps because she does not want to hurt the uncle’s wife, or her own parents. She fears bringing this up will break up the family. She is also too embarrassed to say anything and even wonders if they’ll believe her. It’ll be her word against his.
Another example, a young pharmaceutical sales rep, decently attractive, and a couple of fellow male reps, take a doctor and his wife out to dinner to a top New York restaurant. This doctor is key to the acceptance of the company’s new product into a major hospital formulary, which would mean a great triumph to the team, and to the company. At around dessert time, under the table, the doctor makes his move and starts running his hand along the inner thigh of this young female rep, who happens to be sitting next to him. While her first instinct is to get up, slap him and make a scene, she also knows it’d be over for her company and the relationship with this key client. Do you think the key client knows this? Of course he does! His wife is next to him, on the other side! Again, the risk of getting caught but likely the chance of getting away with it it’s certainly in his mind. What options does the young female rep have here? Aside from the urge to get up and punch him in the face and cause a scene, she needs to think about the big picture. The official acceptance of this new product, into the hospital formulary would be a major win, and a traveling hand is standing in the way. I won’t tell you how she handled it, but it will suffice to say that the man’s hand was off that leg within seconds. The man, privately embarrassed, got up and sat elsewhere on the table. Apparently no one noticed, except a fellow rep, who had been watching, also at a loss of what to do, given all the dynamics playing in the situation. The product eventually went on formulary at that hospital.
A young woman has a colleague in the office, one she’d rather avoid. Every time a woman is about to walk into the office, he’ll say, “hooter watch, hooter watch.” He rates women on their “headlights” and “rear bumpers”. All this goes on in a mostly male environment. Of course this particular situation went on in the late 80’s, before sexual harassment protection became more visible in the work place. This young woman dreaded coming into work because she also wondered what would this disrespectful, male, but otherwise considered “funny and likable” colleague would say about her. If he dared to say those things in front of her, she would only wonder what he’d say to the all-male office when she wasn’t around. The sad thing is that these situations are NOT uncommon. Women have to endure this all the time.
What if she were to walk into HR and denounce this otherwise likable guy? She’d be ostracized as the whiner and complainer. The working environment would turn very uncomfortable for her, because all the other male colleagues complicitly participated into his female-berating banter and likely won’t appreciate that the “party is over” because of the one woman that was there. What’s more, among them, they will make a mental note not to allow her to participate in any group meetings or projects because she’s a “troublemaker” and “doesn’t play the game.” So, if this woman depends on this job to pay her rent, probably feed her children and put them through school, she knows she’s better off not saying anything, and start looking for another job to move on from that nightmare.
The problem is, even during the exit interview she may not say anything because she may need those references one day and she won’t want it to go on her record that she “made a stink” over a male colleague who will probably be described as a “harmless joker.” The worse offense of all is that once she’s moved on safely onto another job, the next woman who replaces her will have to endure the same abuse, and be faced with the same choices. Eventually someone will notice and wonder why women don’t last there, and will probably chuck it to women not being reliable or right for the work environment. You always wonder though, if the people who manage those kinds of places really know what’s going on, and if they do, are they silently complicit, especially if they know the offender is a top producer?
What’s more interesting, would you believe each of the situations described above happened to one woman, one average looking woman??
For those of you who believe that sexual harassment, or abuse is set to only happen once if it does at all, it is an eye-opening fact, that a child or a woman can face this situation more than once in their lifetimes.
Many of my female friends have their share of stories of abuse, whether as children or as adults in the work place. Some are horrific stories, too horrific to believe. One of them, when she began to dig into her memories and re-lived the abuse, fell into drug-addiction, was in and out of rehab, and eventually jumped off a Manhattan building. She was beautiful, well off, so smart. No one would have believed her story.
All these stories are real. They have happened, and continue to happen to real people, in the most unlikely situations and places. I find it hard to believe that they only happens once in a blue moon to a handful of people.
Do you know what happens once in a blue moon? That someone has the courage to come forward, ready for public scrutiny and eventual ridicule, and denounce their abuser, or the system that protected the abuser. They know they will lose a lot. Their personal reputation will suffer. They probably even will have a hard time retaining their jobs or finding a new one. Employers would be skeptical of hiring “people like that” because they’ll fear any internal issues will be ousted by this “whistleblower”.
It is very difficult to find the strength to break out of a system that allows these abuses to happen, especially if someone’s livelihood depends on the very system. Those who are courageous enough to do it, know their lives will forever be changed, and not necessarily for the better. And if we’re talking about a child in a bad family situation, the dynamics are even worse, for they’ll be fearing their families be broken, torn apart, and they’ll needlessly wear their guilt in their conscience for years to come.
So, the next time you see a brave woman or brave young man, step up to the plate and face the media to denounce their horrid story, please be kind, listen with sympathy, if you cannot empathize.
Will there always be someone who abuses the system and will lie about abuse? Sure! But based on what I’ve seen, they are more likely to be the exception than the rule.
Notice that usually these people who come out of the shadows are usually people who point at someone who is or has been in a position of power, and is likely to be protected by their “good reputation” and “top standing in the community.” How can a child or a young woman, less known, stand up to that? At least the woman has the option to leave, and the situation won’t be corrected. The child has an even worse situation if it is happening within the family.
In whatever wicked way, the abuser knows their “power” will protect them. They feel they are above the law.
Sexual abuse, harassment, assault, in my opinion, are about abuse of power over someone who they perceive, is unable to defend themselves, to fight back. Does it arouse some of these criminals? No doubt. The danger of perhaps getting caught, of doing something forbidden, of overpowering a meek prey, it all appeals to the id inside many predators. It smells of base instincts, those that are stronger in some people, stronger than their common sense and whatever intelligence they claim to have. Power, in my opinion, is the number one reason behind it, sexual pleasure is consequential.
So, at this point, I commend all those victims of sexual abuse of any nature, for coming out of the shadows and exposing this awful practice. We all know it’s been going on for as long as we exist as humans, but this is the 21st century, and if we have not evolved from the early caveman era, then we have little hope for true evolution.
I would like to invite victims of sexual harassment, to speak up more often, whether it is by going to their HR department more often, by making allies out of other people in power positions, who will give you the benefit of the doubt when you speak up. Today is a bit easier to speak up. If nothing else, use your personal technology to record the crimes, and always be on guard, especially when you see the red flags. If your instinct tells you something is wrong, listen to it, arm yourself with your technology and record it. If no one believes you and you have recorded it, you have many more options today. And if going to the authorities does not help you, then you know the public forums are the way to go.
Denounce your abuser. We need to let these predators know that their crimes will no longer go unpunished or remain a secret. Let’s get it out in the open. Record it, tape it, but do not let them get away with it. That is how you’ll take away their power over you.
And as far as the rest of us, let’s not be so quick to jump to judgment. The victim has much more to lose when they step up and speak up. No one wants to be in their shoes. So, be kind and try to understand. Given that this happens so often, you can only hope it won’t happen to you, or someone you love.
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